Beyond The Palin

"Gov. Sarah Palin of Alaska abruptly announced on Friday that she was quitting at the end of the month, shocking Republicans across the country and leaving both parties uncertain about whether she was leaving national politics or laying the groundwork for a presidential run."
- The N. Y. Times - July 4. 2009

I know a lot of you were disappointed by my announcement on Friday. Many of you hoped that I would stay on as Governor, seek reelection and then make a run for The White House. That’s why I think that I owe you a fuller explanation.

I’ve loved serving the people of Alaska and making that great state even greater. But it’s time to move on and take on new challenges. I’m not sure what those challenges will be but let me outline some possibilities.

We’re thinking of leaving Alaska. Of course we love Alaska but we know that other states need us, too. States like New Hampshire.

New Hampshire is suffering right now. There’s high unemployment and folks there could really use our help. So we’re looking into moving to the Granite State sometime in 2011 and campaigning from Berlin to Nashua to help those folks out, especially the Republican ones.

That’s not to say we don’t care about Americans in other states. With Todd, Trig, Tripp, Track, Bristol, Willow and Piper, we could travel this great country of ours from coast to coast helpin’ folks in every state of the union.

We’re thinking of making it a two or three-year tour and not just to New Hampshire. Todd says we should also scope out Iowa, South Carolina, Florida and maybe even California. Who knows? We may just buy a big RV and move wherever the spirit takes us maybe even ending up in Indianapolis, Atlanta or San Antonio sometime in August of 2012.

As you’ve heard, I’ve already signed a book deal. So some of my time in the next couple of years will be taken up with writing the story of my amazing life to date. Or to be more accurate, editing the story of my amazing life to date that’s being written by a very talented ghostwriter.

In order to edit an accurate account of my life, I’m going to have to revisit all those states that I traveled to in the last presidential election. And while I’m there, I’ll of course want to visit all those delegates that I got to know so well and recapture those great times we all had on the election trail.

Whatever I finally decide to do with my life, I know that my family will always come first. In fact, I’m hoping in a few years to make them what I like to call my First Family.

2009 Asks For A Do-over

At a recent hastily called news conference, the year 2009 called for a do-over. A transcript of the event follows:

Thank you all for coming today. I know that with all the negative things going on recently, it wasn’t easy to get here. So I appreciate the efforts you have made and for those who couldn’t make it due to record-breaking traffic, unprecedented bad weather or imminent plague, my apologies.

I’ve called this press conference to ask for a favor. Like you, I haven’t been happy at all with the nature of recent events and, frankly, I’m tired of taking all the blame. That’s why today I am formally asking for a do-over.

What with the tanking global economy, the ongoing wars around the world and this spreading swine flu business, things have admittedly been pretty bad. Believe me, that wasn’t my intention back on January 1st when I started out of the gate.

Despite the shaky end to 2008, I had high hopes that I could "ring in" the New Year on a positive note. Little did I know that 2008 left me with enough hidden time bombs to sink a whole fleet of ships.

I’m not saying I’m blameless in all that’s happened so far. But you have to realize that I was left with a pretty sad picture. I don’t want to spend all my time trashing those who came before me, but you have to admit that 2008 was pretty bad.

Nevertheless, blaming my predecessor for today’s problems only goes so far. After all, I’ve had my share of surprises that popped up all on their own like those Somali pirates, that new album from Britney Spears and Dick Cheney asking for more transparency in government that I can’t really blame on anybody else. The question is how to deal with what appears to be a deteriorating situation.

If I could just get the temporal equivalent of a mulligan, I think we can get past this unpleasantness and start anew. Otherwise, I risk becoming another 1918, 1930 or 1968 and, trust me, nobody wants that.

So let’s forget this crazy year ever happened. Take two, roll again, replay, start over. How about you let me try again on July 1st? We’ll call that 2009 and I’ll do my best to get it right this time. OK?

Jon And Kate Really Grate

It used to be called The Learning Channel and featured educational fare. But now it’s just called TLC and it broadcasts a raft of shows primarily about giant families or little people but so far, thankfully, not both.

TLC’s current ratings leader is the show "Jon & Kate Plus Eight", an inside look at a couple raising twins and a set of sextuplets. While the show has had a solid audience for much of its run, it now outdraws many major network shows thanks to the recent breakdown of Jon and Kate’s marriage.

The latest news from last Monday’s episode is the long-anticipated divorce of the show’s stars. With promo teasers like "Jon and Kate Gosselin have an announcement", "A family in turmoil" and "A relationship at a crossroads", it was expected that more than ten million viewers would tune in to gawk at the latest development in this ongoing train wreck.

But what if the hype had been just that....hype? What if the expected announcement was not the end of the Gosselins’ fishbowl marriage? What if America’s new favorite couple had something else to announce? Something like:

* "The show’s writers (yes, we have writers) think it would be a great idea to have a whole special big family week on TLC," said Kate Gosselin. "Where we join forces with those crazy folks on ‘18 Kids and Counting’." "Yes, I’m really looking forward to it," said Jon. "What with our sardonic sniping at one another and their wacky religious nuttiness, I think the possibilities for fun times, or maybe even religious end times, are exciting."

* "We’d like to announce that we’re planning to expand our TV family next season," said Kate Gosselin. "Given all the troubles that Nadia Suleman, the Octomom, is having with her new octuplets, we thought we’d like to help out and adopt them, at least for the next season or two." "That’s right," said Jon Gosselin. "We figure we can only squeeze so many ratings points out of our marriage troubles and there’ll soon come a time when we need a new twist to keep our viewers interested. And we really like the title of the revamped show: ‘Jon & Kate Plus Eight Plus Eight’."

* "We feel we’ve done a lot for America by opening up our home to viewers from coast to coast," said Kate Gosselin. "But we’re finding that it’s just not as satisfying as it used to be." "I agree," said Jon. "And that’s why we’re planning to move the show to Israel next season. We figure that by showing everyone in the Middle East how the ten of us manage to get along we can bring some much needed peace and understanding to the region. But don’t look for us to build a settlement in the West Bank. Somehow I don’t think that would be very helpful."

* "Television history shows that one surefire way to exploit the success of a show," said Jon Gosselin. "Is to have a spinoff." "I couldn’t agree more," said Kate Gosselin. "And that’s why we’re looking at expanding the marriage breakup theme and debuting two new shows: ‘Jon Plus Four’ and ‘Kate Plus Four’. Or maybe we’ll piggyback on one of TLC’s other popular series and start our own birth control show called ‘What Not To Bear’."

Torture Or Not Torture?

In his latest effort to control the American political agenda, Dick Cheney recently announced that he’ll soon be hosting his own reality show. Tentatively titled "Torture or not torture?", the former Vice President’s TV offering is slated for a fall debut on the FOX network.

"I was getting frustrated with all the negative talk about torture," said Cheney. "So I decided that the only way to get my message across was through a prime time reality show."

Although plans have not yet been finalized, it seems that the weekly program will likely adopt a quiz show format. Contestants will be interrogated by ex-CIA members and will progress from one level to the next.

"We’re hoping to recruit contestants from Guantanamo Bay," said Mr. Cheney. And, if possible, from the Democratic caucus in the Senate. I really think those folks deserve a chance to play the game."

Leaked production notes suggest that the aim of the show will be to test contestants at various levels of interrogation to see if they will reveal a predetermined secret. And once a contestant "cracks", the home audience will be invited to vote by phone to give their opinion as to whether the revelation resulted from torture or legitimate Geneva Convention-approved methods.

"I can rant and rave all day about what’s torture and what’s not," said the former Vice President. "But it won’t mean a damn thing unless folks get a firsthand view of enhanced interrogation techniques in action."

Asked about just what kind of techniques would be used, Cheney was careful not to reveal too much. He did concede that some of the methods will include the use of water, electricity and canines but he refused to elaborate further.

"I could tell you more," joked Cheney. "But then, of course, I’d have to kill you."

Rumor has it that each round of questioning will involve increasing levels of horror-inducing interrogation and more and more frightening apparatuses. Some insiders have even suggested that Cheney wants to make use of the rack.

"That’s absolutely false," said Cheney. "The whole idea of the show is to illustrate to folks that important information can be elicited from prisoners without actually torturing them. I’m not saying we’ll never use the rack but you have my word that there will be absolutely no drawing and quartering or burying up to the neck in sand. Well, at least no drawing and quartering."

The show is slated to debut on September 11th and will run until America is once again finally safe from terrorism.

The Apocryphal Briefings

It turns out that top-secret intelligence briefings prepared by Secretary of Defense Donald Rumsfeld around the time of the March 20, 2003 U. S. invasion of Iraq had cover sheets with inspirational pro-war Bible quotes presumably designed to appeal to George W. Bush’s born-again Christian faith. What hasn’t been revealed until now, however, is that there were alternate briefings that didn’t get sent, briefings with potentially more useful quotes from the Bible and from some long-lost books of the Apocrypha.

February 6, 2003
"The one called Kolin shall gather all the nations and falsely urge their armies to join together and make war against Babylon." - Letter to the Grecians 8:4-5

February 20, 2003
"And the burning bush signified to them that a connection must be found between the evil one and the more evil one though they be mortal enemies." - 1 Esoch 16:7

March 10, 2003
"Be not afraid for the Sumerians possess weapons but not in mass numbers nor capable of great destruction." - The Book of Lot 3:21

March 13, 2003
"And they celebrated throughout the night with wine and mead and cakes of all description although none of the cakes glowed of yellow." - 2 Esoch 5:15

March 20, 2003
"The sky will rain down flaming weapons and the whole land will be a burning waste of oil and sulfur. The people will empty the cities and towns and museums of all their treasures." - The Book of Sarah 6:21-22

May 1, 2003
"The Lord spoke and said unto them: ‘Be merciful and show kindness to your enemies. Do not disarm them. And do not shame them with banners above your sailing ships proclaiming victory." - The Gospel according to Michael 3:8-9

November 30, 2005
"The time will surely come when everything in your palace and all that your fathers have stored up until this day will be carried off to Babylon. Nothing will be left, says the Lord." - 2 Kings 20:16-17

On Beyond Inflation

For years, the only thing consumers had to worry about was a little bit of inflation. But now all that has changed. As world economies rapidly decline, experts warn of stagflation (high inflation in the midst of sluggish growth and high unemployment) and even deflation (a decrease in prices and overall economic activity). But apparently that’s just the beginning as economists scramble to devise new economic terms to deal with ever-evolving modern financial complexities:

anteflation
The economic rule in place 20,000 years ago. No one cared or even knew about inflation since the primary concern was basic food and shelter.

autoflation
Autoflation occurs when the repeated buying, selling and transferring of personal investment holdings results in ever-increasing losses. The term can also be applied to any attempts by car company executives to extract money from government.

antiflation
Unlike deflation where prices go down, antiflation combines the worst of all economic worlds. Prices go down but costs go up and growth remains stagnant.

biflation
The vast majority of economists are either proponents of inflation or deflation. Some, however, choose to swing both ways and are said to be biflationary.

circumflation
In today’s global economy, transflation (see below) can travel from one country to another at great speeds. Circumflation is the tendency for an inflationary trend to circle the globe.

conflation
Conflation comprises the inflationary pressures suffered due to the illegal activity of unindicted bank executives. Ironically, rather than receiving prison time, the perpetrators of this phenomenon instead receive seven or eight-figure salaries.

disflation
Politicians, especially those in power, have a tendency to minimize or discount economic downturns. Some go so far as to deny the existence of inflation. This pollyannaish, glass-half-full view of dire times is called disflation.

exflation
Used to describe the dystopian, post-apocalyptic world where no one cares about inflation. When all commerce is barter, the economy is said to be exflationary. Similar to anteflation.

neoflation
A vague term used by economists to describe any anomalous financial glitch yet to be experienced. For example, if an economy simultaneously experiences inflation, deflation and stagflation, it’s easier to just call it neoflation.

polyflation
Most economists believe in one inflation at a time. But a few prefer to be wedded to multiple economic inflationary trends. These scholars are called polyflationists and are most commonly found among the business school faculty of Brigham Young University.

proflation
Most economists are extremely cautious about inflation. A few, however, actively support all inflationary trends. These academic renegades are known as proflationists.

reflation
Reflation is a personal financial indicator. It’s the increase in value of individual investment holdings that occurs immediately after they’ve been sold following years of losses.

subflation
Certain segments of society remain unaffected by everyday economic fluctuations. Instead, they suffer from something called subflation or the complete absence of goods and services. These people are sometimes also identified as the poor and the homeless.

superflation
Hyperflation is a very high level of inflation such as that experienced in Germany in the 1920s or in Zimbabwe today. Superflation is a very high level of hyperflation and is marked by the use of paper currency for wallpaper, memo pads and toilet tissue.

transflation
Just like viral illnesses, inflation can be transmitted from country to country. Transflation. occurs when a national inflationary cycle jumps to a neighboring country thereby pushing its inflation rate even higher.

unflation
This is the decidedly unsettling state where nothing moves. No increases, no decreases, no ups, no downs and no excitement. Unflation is economic anomie.

The Chevy Tomorrow

Struggling automobile manufacturers are desperately trying to come up with new cars to save themselves from economic extinction. If a camel is a horse designed by a committee, the question becomes what will today’s failing auto industry produce to meet our perceived needs? Check out these upcoming models for 2011:

The Chevy Tomorrow
It’s tomorrow’s car today - the brand new Chevy Tomorrow. Borrowing from the historically successful Camarro, the Tomorrow is a high-performance sports car. But it’s also an environmentally-friendly hybrid vehicle that combines a gasoline-powered internal combustion engine with a solar-assisted turbine. On sunny days, you’ll be able to motor for hours with fuel efficiency in the 70 m.p.g. range. Not intended for sale in Seattle, Boston or most of Canada.

The Chrysler Micro-van
A worthy successor to the popular minivan, the Chrysler Micro-van combines the roominess of a subcompact car with the flexibility of a small pickup truck. This tiny vehicle features a one-driver cab with a flatbed able to carry up to six children strapped in to a standing position. Perfect for those short daily trips to school, home and soccer practise. Comes with an optional flat screen TV to keep the young ones in the back from questioning their immobile positioning.

The Ford Potemkim
Just because the economy has tanked is no reason to deny people the luxury cars they desire. Maybe few people can now fork out 60 or 70K for a fancy car. But lots of folks will be able to cough up 8 or 10 thousand for a brand new Ford Potemkin. The Potemkin features the latest in aerodynamic styling and interior luxuries. What it lacks in the way of an engine and a transmission, it more than makes up for in appearance. Not for driving, the Potemkin is the driveway car that tells the neighbors that you’ve still got it.

The Dodge Non-Charger Electric
Forget about the restrictions of plug-in car batteries and the limited mileage between charge-ups. The Dodge Non-Charger Electric gives you the freedom of a gasoline engine without the gas. That’s because it runs on a sixteen-pack of double-A batteries. That’s right; just plug in the pack and away you go. After that, it’s as simple as one-two-three. Remove the pack, toss it out the window and plug in a new pack. And with 35 cubic feet in the back seat and another 23 cubic feet of storage space in the trunk, it’ll be days before you have to replace your battery supply.

The Buick Bitumen
Oil supplies are dwindling. So what’s a consumer to do? Look to America’s most plentiful source of power: coal. And now you can be the first in your neighborhood to drive a vehicle powered by nothing but coal. The Buick Bitumen features a steam engine fired by a modern, clean-coal-burning furnace. So long as you’ve got a passenger and a shovel, you’ll be waving goodbye to gas stations in your continuous search for that elusive next coal station.

The Lada Chernobyl
Looking to leapfrog the western automotive industry, the Russian government has underwritten Lada’s new entry into the modern motoring era: the Chernobyl. It’s the world’s first commercially viable, nuclear-powered family sedan. Using the same safe and reliable technology that powered the Soviet Union’s nuclear reactors and submarines for decades, Lada has produced a car that will run for as long as you need on just one fill up. Once Lada has ironed out the bugs in its internal child radiation shields and its spent nuclear fuel rods disposal program, it’s hoping to help the entire world "Go nuclear!"

Marx My Words

In a surprising press release, the American Association of Cultural Paleontologists today announced that it has identified dozens of thriving Marxists in educational institutions on both coasts. Thought to be extinct, it turns out that these longsuffering academics were still present in small groups and were simply dormant.

It appears that the once abundant Marxists went into deep decline around about the time of the Reagan era. With the beginning of the new millennium, they seemed destined to disappear altogether. As the engine of capitalism operated at full throttle, the remaining Marxists one by one dropped off the academic radar.

As late as 2005, there were still sporadic reports of the occasional Marxist being spotted at a regional community college or a Manhattan book reading. Some researchers even claimed to have seen the odd aging Marxist lecturing at an Ivy League school but those reports were never confirmed.

Despite being placed on AACP’s endangered species list, the disappearance of Marxists seemed to progress at a geometric pace. Given the general decline of all things left and liberal, it was not unexpected that the Marxist would soon go the way of the dodo, the Great Auk and the Maoist.

"We had all but given up on ever finding a surviving Marxist," said AACP President Fred Engels. "Without an economic recession to feed on or groups of supportive, ego-stroking students to fill their classes, it seemed highly unlikely that any would still have been around."

Well, it turns out that Engels and his lot were wrong. With the advent of the current world economic crisis, cultural paleontologists on both coasts started receiving odd reports about errant professors and lecturers referencing phrases like "the means of production", "the material dialectic" and "the enlightened proletariat."

"Once these reports started trickling in," said Engels. "We started to get our hopes up that the Marxists were not extinct but were still alive on both the east and west coasts and even in select pockets in the American mid-west."

The wishes of Engels and his colleagues have been realized beyond their wildest dreams. Not only is the Marxist not extinct, it turns out that there are dozens of small herds or communities of them in a number of institutions of higher learning.

"What we hadn’t considered," said Engels. "Was that the Marxists - rather than die off - could temporarily change their stripes and survive using only their wits and tenure."

It turns out that, once under threat, the Marxists adopted a very low profile. Chameleon-like, those who survived changed their outer protective covering and appeared to most outside observers as harmless philosophers, socialists or liberals.

"Our mistake was to extrapolate from the evidential record," said Engels. "And assume that just because researchers could no longer find a single academic paper produced by a Marxist that they were no longer extant."

Now that their surrounding environment has become more nurturing, many of the surviving Marxists have begun to thrive. Marxist papers, theses and even op-ed pieces have started to occasionally appear in different locations and some observers are, much to their surprise, reporting the return of Marxist courses and texts. A sure sign of the Marxist’s return to health is their renewed mating cry of "Revolution now! Death to capitalism! Revolution now!"

"It’s truly a zoological miracle," said Engels. "Who would have thought that we would see Marxists not only surviving but potentially repopulating their herds to historical levels?"

"But we must not be sanguine about the future fate of the Marxist," Engels continued. "Even the slightest economic recovery or open, democratic discussion could threaten their continued existence. That’s why we’re proposing setting up protective havens like the one started at Berkeley to ensure that the elimination of Marxists is never again a possibility."

There Might Not Always Be An England

U. S. President Barack Obama has shocked the British Empire from Carlisle to Canterbury by announcing that there might not always be an England.

The proclamation by America’s new president came at the end of yesterday’s press conference and was initially missed by all of the reporters in attendance.

"Frankly, I didn’t really notice," said longtime White House correspondent Helen Thomas. "There were so many more important announcements that this one basically fell through the cracks."

In fact, a full twenty-four hours passed before Obama’s statement was spotted on CNN by an 82-year old pensioner in Clotted-cream-sur-la-mer. Once the news was relayed to Prime Minister Gordon Brown, he immediately telephoned President Obama and demanded an explanation.

Obama told Brown that, as far as he knew, England was on the verge of being subsumed within the European Union and was slated to be renamed Monarchyland to better reflect its primary industry as a quaint tourist destination.

Brown conceded that Obama was correct but still registered his annoyance at having his country’s impotence publicly broadcast.

"It’s one thing to say that England is on the downslope," said the PM. "But there was really no need to say that there might not always be an England. That’s just bloody rude."

Obama reportedly apologized and corrected himself by issuing a White House press release stating that there’ll always be an England so long as there are British upper class twits who take offense at the obvious.

The Trouble With Trillions

Now that President Obama has unveiled his $3.5 trillion budget, it’s time for Americans to come to terms with this staggering number. After all, if we are to experience trillion dollar deficits for years to come, it behooves us to master the new math.

Now a million is pretty easy. It’s "1" followed by six zeros, a number that is big but easily understandable. Athletes and movie stars make millions of dollars a year and many houses are now worth more than that.

A billion is a little more difficult to comprehend but still within the realm of human comprehension. It’s a thousand millions or "1" followed by nine zeros. It’s really big but still on the outer fringes of our understanding. It’s a thousand monster homes, a hundred star athletes’ salaries or a minor government spending initiative.

A trillion, on the other hand, is beyond our everyday experience. A "1" with twelve zeros? What exactly does that mean? Someone could tell you that it’s 1012 but does that really help?

If you started counting one a second, it would take you 31,546 years to get to a trillion. If you had to eat or sleep, of course, it would take you even longer. And if you tried to say each number in full, you’d probably never finish.

So how are we going to be able to wrap our heads around this mathematical puzzle? If trillions are here to stay, it’s time we finally tried to get a handle on them.

It’s one thing to say that the U. S. federal budget is $3.5 trillion. It’s quite another thing to understand how much that really is. Remember, even Carl Sagan only claimed billions and billions of stars in a galaxy, not trillions.

One approach would be to break a trillion down into smaller, understandable units. For example, one trillion equals about 4,000 Alex Rodriguezs or 400 Oprahs. Or it’s roughly twenty Bill Gates or ten Warren Buffets. Or it’s the GDP of Mexico, India or Australia.

That way, President Obama could speak to us in a language we could all understand. Instead of announcing a two trillion dollar deficit next year, he could say that we’ll be down about forty Bill Gates, two South Koreas or a million General Motors. That’s not entirely satisfactory but it does at least give us a vague idea of where we’re heading.

As for Obama, he’s got his own numerical problems. At the rate things are going, he may soon no longer be speaking in trillions. Instead he may have to start using quadrillions or, heaven forbid, even quintillions.

To avoid a national nervous breakdown, I suggest that the President just quietly change his counting method to the old British system. That’s where a billion is a million million or what we call a trillion.

Thus, Obama could talk about a deficit in the billions of dollar and we’d never know how bad things really were. Unless, of course, he starts calling them billiards which might clue some of us into the fact that he’s using a different system. Either that or he’s doing his budgetary calculations on The White House pool table.

Torture If Necessary

In another example of Barack Obama’s Midas touch, it appears that an auspicious confluence of events may help him out of several jams at once. Although not yet official, a leaked report from The White House suggests a neat solution to the apparently disparate problems of torture, Dick Cheney and the financial crisis.

Saddled with these different problems by the Bush administration, Obama has found himself treading a fine line on these issues. Should he condemn torture outright and, if so, prosecute those who ordered and engaged in it? At the same time, what is he to do with those financial executives who brought down the economy with their selfish and irresponsible behavior? And finally, what the heck should he do with Dick Cheney?

The report proposes a simple answer to all these questions, namely redefine torture and don’t close the prison at Guantanamo Bay quite yet. A senior White House official agreed to comment off the record.

"As far as I understand it," said the anonymous source. "We’re going to restate our position that we in America don’t torture, at least when it comes to foreign combatants. We will, however, make limited exceptions for those who previously authorized torture and those who have screwed with our economy."

In furtherance of this goal, the Administration plans to keep the Guantanamo facility open just a little longer in order to accommodate two new classes of detainee, namely financial wrongdoers and Dick Cheney. As part of the ongoing attempts to right the economy, torture will be permitted insofar as it is necessary to determine how to unravel toxic assets and to get guys like Bernie Madoff to say ‘I’m sorry.’

As for Dick Cheney, no special regulations will be required as Mr. Cheney has consistently agreed that waterboarding and the like do not constitute torture. Thus, he should have no objection to various intensive interrogation techniques. These will not be employed for any information gathering purposes but simply for the enjoyment of the American public.

"We see this as a win-win-win situation," said the White House source. "We don’t have to mothball Guantanamo, we can finally understand how mortgage derivatives work and we get to hear Dick Cheney scream."

As a final cherry on the bureaucratic cake, the as-yet-unreleased report suggests another possible advantage to the nascent proposal. If the Administration can soon officially restore relations with Cuba, once Guantanamo has served its purpose, it can be returned to the Cuban government complete with its new prisoners.

No word yet on whether American auto executives and former U. S. presidents will be packing their bags soon for an unexpected Caribbean vacation.