Wednesday, November 18, 2015

Your Notice of Expenditure

     Let’s face it. Most of us gripe about the taxes we pay and how they’re wasted on all manner of frivolous things but few of us do anything about it.
     The reason, of course, is that we see little connection between the individual four or five-figure tax bill we pay and the billions of dollars that get spent on who knows what. There may be lots of waste but it appears rather nebulous.
     Well what if we changed the way government spending is tracked and allotted each personal tax levy to all or part of some very specific expenditure? I suspect we might then be more interested in where our money goes, way more interested. In fact, I’m guessing that such a system might generate so much interest and outrage that almost every tax-paying citizen would become very, very politically involved.
     Don’t believe me? Let’s pretend that such a system is now in place and with your IRS notice of tax paid, you also received a notice of expenditure. A notice of expenditure that let you know exactly where your tax levy was going to be spent. Here are just a few examples of the kind of communication you might receive:
1.    The Government of the United States thanks you for your tax payment of $6,564 and is pleased to inform you that it will be spent on the maintenance and refurbishment of one physical desk and seat in the U. S. Senate chamber.
2.     The IRS wishes to confirm the amount of $8,789 on your tax account. We look forward to receiving the outstanding balance owing. In the meantime, we wanted you to know that your taxes will be used to partially pay for the sound editing on one of the Department of Veterans Affairs’ TV commercials showing what a great job they’re doing.
3.     This note of thanks accompanying your IRS notice comes from me, Joe Back Bencher, the honorable Congressman from Whalebone Bay, Alaska. Your kind (albeit mandatory) tax payment of $15,343 will just about cover three round trip tickets so I can visit the wife and kids and drum up some more donations to help me get reelected so I can continue to do the nation’s business.  
4.     Hi there and thanks again for timely paying your tax bill of $3,397. As the Undersecretary of the Department of Generally Useless Studies and Reports, I thought you might like to know that the entirety of your taxes will be used to review, edit and photocopy our upcoming study: “An enquiry into a possible new public slogan for the Department of Generally Useless Studies and Reports.” If you’d like a copy of the final report, let us know and we’ll add the $19.95 charge onto your tax bill for next year.
5.     Hello. I’m N. Trenched Incumbent, the Representative for Kicking Pig Pass, Montana. You’ve done your part to make America great so I want to let you know what your tax contribution means to us, the members of the House Standing Committee on Alcohol, Tobacco and Medical Marijuana. Your payment of $5,409 will finance the purchase of twelve new chairs so that we can henceforth become the Sitting Committee on Alcohol, Tobacco and Medical Marijuana. Just kidding, of course; we’re using the money to finance a work-study retreat in Colorado.

6.     I’m former Representative Aaron Schock of Illinois and I want to thank you for ponying up your share of our national tax bill to the tune of $734. While I am saddened to see that your taxable income is that low, I want you to know that even your meager payment helped our government be the best government it could be. In my case, you can take personal satisfaction in knowing that, thanks to you, I was able to purchase a humidor and an umbrella stand for the “Downton Abbey” makeover of my former Congressional office.          

Wednesday, October 21, 2015

Parliamentary Police Report

Ottawa Police Report
At 2:30 P.M. on April 24, 2015, I, Officer Wayne, and Officer Shuster were dispatched to the Centre Block, Parliament Building, Wellington Street, Ottawa in response to a 911 call. The caller identified herself as Canadian Public and reported an incident of domestic abuse.

Once we arrived on the scene, I immediately identified the complainant and interviewed her in a back room. Public was distraught, covered in bruises and apparently in shock. When I questioned her about the alleged attack, all she could reply was “the horror, the horror!”

Office Shuster was able to isolate the alleged perpetrator in a nearby caucus room. The alleged perpetrator would only identify himself as Conservative Party. When questioned about the events of that afternoon and the various bruises seen on Public, Party at first denied any involvement but eventually recanted and admitted that he had hit Public several times but insisted that she deserved it and “had it coming.”

I was eventually able to calm Public and question her at length. She was able to recall the incidents of the afternoon and numerous incidents dating back as many as ten years. Public alleged that Party had repeatedly taken advantage of her and assaulted her both physically and verbally. Public related how Party often attacked her, telling her that it was for her own good. According to Public, after the attacks, Party would often be remorseful and would express his love for Public and assure her that it would never happen again.

Officer Shuster further questioned Mr. Party in the caucus room. Party insisted that he loved Public and never intended to do her any harm. He insisted that the injuries apparent on Public’s person such as a number of healthcare cuts and funding slashes were not intentional. Party stated that Public didn’t know what was good for her and that he, Party, had to take drastic steps to correct the domestic situation.

I continued to question Ms. Public about past incidents. She indicated that in the beginning, back before 2006, Party was an attentive suitor and promised Public all manner of gifts if she would let him take over the house. However, once he did so in 2006, Public said that he began to act differently. Although he cut the GST for her on two occasions, he reserved his biggest and best tax cuts for his corporate love interests.

Officer Shuster was able to elicit further information from Conservative Party. Mr. Party admitted that he never really loved Canadian Public and was only using her to gain a stronger position in the house. Once he had majority control, Party showed outright contempt for Public and bragged about continuing with the cuts and abuses.

At the end of the interviews, Officer Shuster and I escorted Canadian Public from the property since we were concerned for her safety. We could do little about Party since he controlled the house. He was becoming further agitated and launched a verbal attack against Officer Shuster and me shouting that he would “make life miserable for us” and “cut police funding to the bone if that’s what it takes.”

We provided Public with a victim’s booklet outlining her options and a voter registration card and informed her that we could not do much to help her but that she would have a chance to expel Mr. Party from the premises no later than October 19th. Sadly, victims in such circumstances often return to the abuser and surprisingly give them a second, third and even fourth chance and allow them to continue their abusive behavior.

Monday, October 05, 2015

The Parable of the Political Son

    Most of us are familiar with the Parable of the Prodigal Son. It tells the story of the younger son who squanders his inheritance only to be sumptuously welcomed back by his father to the dismay of his obedient and responsible elder son.
     Few of us, however, have read the Parable of the Political Son that reportedly appears in the apocryphal volume the Book of Bush:

     “There was a man who had two sons. The older one wasted his youth on wine, women and song and disappointed his father greatly. The younger son, however, was conscientious in all respects and did everything to make his father proud.
     “One day, the younger son asked for his father’s blessing to seek the Oval Office, the highest honor in the land. The father had once briefly achieved that honor himself and sorely wished it for his younger son.
     “So it came to pass that the father gave his blessing to the younger son to seek the Oval Office. His mother, too, wished for nothing else.
     “This angered the older son who, despite his profligate ways, felt that he was entitled to first receive his father’s blessing. The older son then left for the state of Texas where he governed adequately if not wisely and was able to secure the assistance of his father’s former advisors in his quest for the ultimate prize.
     “Much to the father’s surprise and the younger brother’s disappointment, the older brother reached the Oval Office not once but twice despite a disastrous reign. His father and brother were reluctantly forced to accept and celebrate the older brother’s achievement.
     “For eight long years, no one from the family sought the Oval Office although the father was old and dearly wished that his younger son could achieve it while he was still alive. So the younger brother announced that he was seeking the ultimate honor.
     “The father urged the younger son to pursue the Oval Office saying ‘I always dreamed that you and not your brother would achieve that fame and now it is your turn.’
     “‘But father,’ said the younger one. ‘How can I win when I must face what my older brother has done? He caused a lengthy war and debt and destruction and the people of the land will lay the blame for that at my feet.’
     “‘I know that does not seem fair,’ said the father. ‘But you are the smart one, the brave one, the rational one. I have great faith in you.
     “So it came to pass that the father and his advisors urged the younger son to run but to avoid any mention of his family name in order to distance himself from the shameful record of his older brother.
     “All seemed to proceed with good fortune and the younger brother appeared to have the Oval Office in his grasp. Even the entry of the new challenger from the tribe of Clinton did not appear to be an insurmountable obstacle.
     “But then it came to pass that one called Trump appeared on the scene and brazenly stole the limelight from the younger brother.
     “The younger brother returned home and rent his clothing before his father and cried and declaimed that he had been unfairly deprived of his birthright.
     “The father chastised him and reminded him that he was given a chance but could not succeed. ‘Do not blame your older brother. Although he was lucky, reckless and foolish, he succeeded where you did not. The fault, my son, is yours. You must remember the lesson to be learned: It is almost impossible to succeed a two-term son of a bush.’”

Monday, September 28, 2015

Stephen Harper: He's the Best

      “Stephen Harper says Tories are best bet amid plunging markets.”
            -        Newspaper headline  – August 24, 2015                

       While answering reporters’ questions on the campaign trail on a day when North American stock markets plummeted, Prime Minister Harper explained that his Conservative government was best positioned to deal with the problem.
     Barely reliable sources revealed that Mr. Harper followed up his statement with some off-the-record comments.
     “Who better than us to deal with a fragile economy and volatile stock markets,” said Harper. “After all, this is our second recession and we have, by far, more experience than any other party in guiding Canada into and through recessionary times.”
     The prime minister also touted his party’s ability to deal with political scandals.
     “Who do you want handling screw-ups like the Duffy Affair,” asked Harper. “Mr. Trudeau or Mr. Mulcair who have no experience with such matters or a government that has weathered everything from robocalls to F-35 fighter jet cost overruns to the Canadian Food Inspection Agency scandal?”
     “And when it comes to Senate scandals,” said Mr. Harper. “The Duffy Affair is just one of many blunders on our watch. Don’t forget; we’ve also handled the Pamela Wallin fiasco as well as the Patrick Brazeau mess. Neither Mr. Mulcair nor Mr. Trudeau can claim that.”
     “And when it comes to the federal budget,” the prime minister continued. “Who better to lead Canada into the red than the Conservative Party? When we first took office, we managed to convert a $13.8 billion surplus into a $5.8 billion deficit in only two years and we’ve continued to create deficits on a consistent and ongoing basis ever since.”

     As for the energy sector, Mr. Harper again urged Canadian voters to stay the course and stick with a party with a proven track record.
     “Since we took power,” said Harper. “We are more committed to oil than ever and neither the NDP nor the Liberals can say that. Unlike those other parties, we’ll never let silly things like climate change get in the way of producing as much oil in as many places as we can.” 
     According to Mr. Harper, his party is best placed to deal with just about anything that comes up. “Whether it’s building fake lakes for G8 summits, eliminating the long-form census, muzzling government scientists or packing the Supreme Court with unvetted ideologues,” said Harper. “We’ve got the other parties beat hands down.”

Monday, September 14, 2015

PMO Job Posting

   Considering all the revelations coming from the Mike Duffy trial, it’s perhaps not surprising that the following discarded draft job posting was recently recovered from a trash bin on or near Parliament Hill:
Employment Opportunity
Chief of Staff position
The incumbent will work as the head of a PMO team dedicated to serving the needs of the current prime minister. He will be in charge of the day-to-day operations of the Office of the Prime Minister and, in particular, will be responsible for the limitation and ultimate eradication of any potential problems including but not limited to spending scandals, voting scandals and Senate scandals. The incumbent will report directly to the prime minister except in those cases where it may be preferable that the prime minister not be made aware of what the heck is going on.
The successful candidate will ideally possess a legal background. Knowledge of the Canadian legal system and court structure will be very helpful, particularly knowledge of any relevant circumventions, workarounds or bypasses.
Possession of a five-figure chequing account, while not essential, would be a valuable asset in the event that the incumbent is required to personally cover any unforeseen politically uncomfortable third-party expense claims.
The applicant should possess basic computer skills including the ability to send, receive and, in some instances, read internal e-mails.
Relevant experience
Previous experience in the fields of small fire extinguishment, minor scandal cover-up and own-sword-falling-on will be most helpful.
Desirable skills include deniability, obfuscation, lip tightening and buck passing.
Language requirement
Although the position is nominally rated as bilingual, English is essential and French language ability, while useful, is not mandatory. However, the applicant must be fully fluent in bureaucratese, truthiness and Newspeak.
Job classification and salary
This is a term position ending on Monday, October 19th with an outside chance of at least a short renewal. At this point, you can pretty much name your own salary.
It would be nice if you have some but, at this late stage, it’s not really that big a deal.
Preference will be given to members in good standing of the Conservative Party of Canada or any right wing think tank.
Legal requirement
The PMO is an equal opportunity employer ostensibly dedicated to inclusion and diversity although our usual preference is to hire white, male lawyers. The PMO has no bias against women (except perhaps Pamela Wallin) or aboriginal Canadians (except perhaps Patrick Brazeau) or non-lawyers (except perhaps Mike Duffy); it’s just that we’re a primarily white male organization and would like to keep it that way.
Application deadline
Yesterday if not sooner.  

Sunday, September 06, 2015

How to Run for Prime Minister

     Have you always wanted to run for prime minister but were afraid to try? Would you like to be addressed as The Right Honourable but don’t know where to start?  Have you ever wondered what it would be like to have the most powerful non-banking position in the country?
     Well wonder no more because now there’s K-tel’s new audio course “How to run for prime minister.” It’s a four-CD program that will help guide even the rawest of political rookies onto the federal campaign trail and possibly all the way to 24 Sussex Drive.
     The first CD will help you remake yourself so you’ll look and feel prime ministerial. Our sartorial experts will school you on how to dress for political success. Whether it’s a Brooks Brothers suit for a TV debate or a down-home jeans and plaid shirt outfit for an Alberta rodeo, you’ll always have that chief executive look.
     And that’s not all. Our crack team of linguistic specialists will teach you how to dumb it down to sound just like “regular folk.” You’ll learn all manner of regional dialects and expressions that will make you the ideal drinking companion of average voters anywhere in Canada. From “how’s it going b’y?” to “beauty, eh?” to “screw those liberal bastards”, you’ll learn all the regional phrases that will have your audiences shaking their heads in agreement.
     CD number two contains everything you need to know about policy, both domestic and foreign. Don’t know much about domestic issues and how government works? Not to worry. CD #2 is chock full of valuable lessons about the different departments of government and even tells you how a bill becomes law.
     And that’s not all. We’ve got really smart people on our team who can tell you all you need to know about foreign policy. Things like where Uzbekistan is, what’s the capital of North Korea and who’s the chancellor of Germany. Plus we can provide you with suggested positions on everything from international terrorism to which new fighter jet we probably shouldn’t buy.
      The third CD is all about name recognition: how you get known and stay known. We’ll teach you the tricks of the trade like taking an outrageous stance on one of the “control” issues be it gun, crime or birth. We’ll also show you how to use such time-tested techniques as the straw man argument, ad hominem attacks and the big lie.  
     The fourth and most important CD is all about the money. As you can imagine, running for prime minister is an expensive proposition. We’ll show you how to take advantage of private contributions, tax credits, per-vote subsidies and other mostly legal methods to get the millions of dollars you’ll need to create and broadcast all manner of attack ads aimed at your opponents.
     If you act right now, we’ll even include a pamphlet with the most important fundraising information you’ll ever need. It includes the names and addresses of Canada’s top corporations and unions who are just waiting to offer you funds for your campaign in return for nothing more than a friendly word from you.  
     So don’t wait to take the plunge. If you want to win on October 19th, you’ve got to start campaigning now. Phone our toll free number 1-800-PMTODAY and have your credit card ready. For three easy payments of $99, you’ll be well on your way to achieving your electoral dream. And for the first 100 callers, we’ll even throw in a fifth CD with our favorite campaign blunders. From Joe Clark’s inability to add to John Turner’s “I had no option” to Stockwell Day’s wetsuit-wearing, Jet Ski-riding press conference to Kim Campbell’s “an election is no time to discuss serious issues”, you’ll know just what to avoid saying or doing on your way to 24 Sussex Drive. 

Monday, August 17, 2015

Hillary Clinton’s e-mail scandal seems to be heating up again. With the transfer of her work-related messages to the State Department, she claimed to have met the spirit of the law.

As for the remaining e-mails, Mrs. Clinton classified them as personal and apparently deleted them. Critics claim that some of those messages should also have been retained for the historical record. The following brief selection from her deleted e-mails folder lets you be the judge:
March 15, 2009
TO:        All my peeps
FROM:  Hillary Rodham Clinton
Just a quick note to all my supporters about proper e-mail etiquette. I should be addressed as Madam Secretary, not as Madam President….at least for now. LOL
June 29, 2010
TO:        Bill
FROM:  Hillary
When it comes to my 2016 run, I don’t expect a lot. A ringing endorsement would be nice and don’t praise any other candidates. At the very least, I expect you to abide by the prime directive: Keep it in your pants.
October 10, 2011
TO:        Arturo’s Haute Couture Design
FROM:  The Secretary of State
Thanks but no thanks for the drawings with suggested new outfits for me. As usual, I want seven different colored pantsuits, one for each day of the week. And make them drip dry with easy care fabrics. I anticipate a lot of traveling over the next two years and even more after that.
January 12, 2012
TO:        Acme Novelties
FROM:  Secretary Clinton
I am returning your invoice and the 10,000 campaign buttons you screwed up. The order explicitly specified “Vote for Hillary in 2016”, not “Vote for the Hill-Billy team.”
July 5, 2012
TO:        The Office of Bill Clinton
FROM:  The Secretary of State
I’m going to ask you guys one last time; get the Big Dog to stop bugging me about being on the ticket in 2016. I know that the Constitution doesn’t prohibit it but if I get one more e-mail or text from Bill signed “Your future VP”, heads are going to roll!
September 22, 2012
TO:        My exploratory campaign team
FROM:  Hillary
Officially, I haven’t declared my candidacy for 2016 but, of course, it’s full steam ahead. However, what I want you to start organizing today is my 2020 campaign. It’s never too early to start planning for the future. Remember, don’t stop thinking about tomorrow.  J
October 2, 2012
TO:        Elizabeth Warren
FROM:  Hillary Clinton
It was nice to see you again at yesterday’s function. I trust I can count on your support if I should decide to run in 2016. Likewise, I’ll be glad to throw some love your way in 2024. But as for now, it’s my turn, bitch. Understand?
January 2, 2013
TO:        Jeb Bush
FROM:  H. R. Clinton
Glad to see you’re continuing to release your private e-mails even if it has been six years since you were governor. Just a word of advice: think carefully about running for President. My husband trounced your dad and if that clown Al Gore had run on Bill’s record, your brother would still be operating a baseball team in Texas. You can run if you want but I’ll crush you like a grape.
January 29, 2013
TO:        All my staff

Thanks again for preparing my valedictory speech and particularly the kind words about Obama. Although we all know that I should have been President, it was the right thing to do. At least the jerk can’t run again.

Saturday, August 15, 2015

Canada Post: We Deliver

As Canada Post continues to eliminate home delivery service by erecting even more community mailboxes, it’s unclear what its business will look like in the near future. Perhaps this recently leaked internal corporate memo will help answer that question.
TO:       Big Shot Executive
FROM: Aspiring Big Shot Executive
     The latest transition from home delivery to community mailboxes is going fairly smoothly. Despite some local objections, we’ve managed to install lots of new mailboxes and by the end of next year we should have pretty much eliminated home delivery from coast to coast to coast.
     Needless to say, the savings from this initiative are huge and, when coupled with our regular increases in the cost of stamps, the bottom line is looking pretty sweet. Even if letter mail declines by 25% over the next couple of years, our profits should increase by double that.
     As discussed, the long term plan is still a little hazy. Hopefully, letter mail will level out over the next few years, at which point we can initiate our “Market Mail” plan. As you’ll recall, Market Mail is our focus-tested phrase to cover the privatization of letter mail.
     Once we’ve established a steady, reliable baseline volume of letter mail, we’ll put various routes out to tender to the private sector. Our studies show that there are numerous companies ready, willing and able to pay top dollar for exclusive delivery rights in every major Canadian center.
     Even the routes in mid-size cities should fetch attractive bids. We’re even hoping to make a few bucks on the selloffs of routes in smaller centers. As for remote rural routes, we may have to eat the bills on them for awhile although continued stamp price increases should make even those routes attractive.
     As for package delivery and courier services, it’s pretty clear that our private sector competitors can handle such things just as well, if not better, than us. That means all we need to do is get a bit of legislation passed and we’re in a great position to auction off those services to the highest bidders.
     The question then becomes what will our core business be? At some point, stamp selling will be totally handled by franchisees. That, of course, is another lucrative profit center.
     We’ve brainstormed this matter over the last few weeks and I think you’ll find we’ve come up with a very attractive option. By the next decade, we anticipate that Canada Post will have considerable cash reserves due to selloffs of our core businesses. Of course, we’ll also a large number of post offices and lots and lots of delivery vehicles.
     We propose using some of our windfall profits to convert our postal outlets to coffee shops. Given that we already have hundreds of outlets in great locations, we’re in an ideal position to immediately establish a coast to coast chain.
     Some are going to criticize this plan as a loser given that we will be competing with already well-established chains like Starbucks and Tim Hortons. What they don’t understand, however, is that we will have little in the way of overhead since we already own the outlets.
     Plus we’ll have billions in realized profits to pour into the upgrade of those outlets and a nationwide marketing campaign. And the final kicker is that we can use our extensive fleet of trucks to provide door to door “coffee and crullers” delivery service almost anywhere in Canada.
     If this plan rolls out as we envision it, Canada Post should soon become the nation’s premier coffee and donut chain with a home delivery service second to none. Our new ironic motto? That’s right: “We Deliver!” 

Friday, April 17, 2015

Mrs. Duffy's Diary


It looks like Mike Duffy is not the only diarist in the family if the following entries from his wife Heather’s journal can be believed:
October 10, 2008
     Mikey came home very upset today. In fact, I can still hear him downstairs kicking the furniture and yelling at the dog. It’s really unfair what the media is saying about him. Just because he rebroadcast the “false starts” interview with St├ęphane Dion and called Elizabeth May’s views “bizarre” and “off the wall”, they’re saying that he’s biased towards the Conservatives in the upcoming election.
     That’s just not right. Everybody knows that Mikey favors any party that can help him attain his lifelong dream of a Senate appointment. In the past, he might just as easily have favored the Liberals if they were in the lead. But that goofy Dion guy has about as much chance as a live lobster at a Cavendish church social so why should Mikey help him?
October 15, 2008
     What a great day! The Conservatives won the election last night and Mikey is on cloud nine which just happens to look a lot like him. They still can only form a minority government but Mikey says that’s good since they’ll need even more help to get a majority next time and that might mean a Senate seat for him.
December 22, 2008
     If there’s a big, fat, puffy cloud numbered ten, we’re on it today! Mikey has just been appointed a senator. He’s downstairs right now practicing his acceptance speech in front of our extra-wide full-length mirror. Mikey’s too much of a gentleman to say anything but I know he’d like to give a big fat raspberry to all his former colleagues who made fun of him as “Senator Mike”, “the Puffster” or “the Charlottetown Doughboy.” Who’s laughing now, media clowns?
June 30, 2009
     It’s been a great summer what with so many all-expenses-paid trips around the country talking to the Tory faithful. We even managed to fit in a quick visit to our “principal” residence in Cavendish, P.E.I. (“nudge, nudge, wink, wink” as Mikey always says). It sure is swell how all this can be charged to Mikey’s Senate expense account since it’s all about helping Canadians, albeit those Canadians who are Conservative.
December 6, 2012
     Mikey’s downstairs yelling at the furniture and kicking the dog. The Senate is investigating his housing and expense claims and saying that they were improper. What a bunch of hypocrites! It’s not as if half of them aren’t doing the very same thing.
     From day one, Mikey has been upfront and aboveboard about all this. He’s an Islander through and through and always has been. Heck, our house here in Ottawa has more lobster traps, Anne mementos and potato cookers than anyplace I know west of Summerside. If we don’t qualify as P.E.I.’ers, I don’t know who does.
February 13, 2013
     It looks like this whole misunderstanding is finally going to get sorted out. That nice Nigel Wright from the prime minister’s office cut Mikey a cheque for $90,172 to pay for his outstanding Senate expenses.
     I expressed concern that the media might get suspicious but Mikey said not to worry. From his experience, those media types aren’t too good with numbers and will likely round the amount down to an even $90,000 and won’t make the connection with his debt of $90,172. As Mikey says, $90,000 could be for anything like a new home in P.E.I. or for services rendered for all those Conservative fundraising dinners he attended on the rubber chicken circuit.
June 5, 2013
     Well the seaweed has hit the shore as they say in P.E.I. Mikey’s downstairs helping the dog kick the cat and muttering about some “double-crossing s.o.b.” He had to resign from the Conservative caucus and poor Nigel had to resign, too. What’s really frying Mikey’s taters though is that the prime minister is washing his hands of the whole thing. He says Harper won’t even reply to his texts anymore.
April 7, 2015

     You’d think that this would be a sad day what with the trial starting and all but I haven’t seen Mikey happier in months. He joked that he’s finally going to get his “year in court” and that if he goes down, he’s going to take the whole ship of fools down with him.   

Monday, February 16, 2015

The Brian Williams Story

Excerpts from “The Brian Williams Story”, a rumored biography that will now apparently never see print:

November 9, 1989
     “All I can say is that it was an honor and a thrill to be the only major American news anchor on site when the Berlin Wall fell. It was a combination of good luck and astute planning that put me there that night so that I could report this major event back home to our NBC viewing audience. Or maybe it was Tom Brokaw. The important thing is that we were there.”
December 1, 2000
     “So I turned to W and I said: ‘Hey, George, I think I know how you can solve this election mess. Just take it to the Supreme Court. As I see it, you’ve got at least five friends up there and, from what they’re telling me, they’re more than willing to do you a solid.’ Al Gore was furious with me for ‘sticking my nose in his business’ as he put it but he’s since forgiven me and I even secretly helped him get a better distribution deal on his documentary An Inconvenient Truth.”
February 6, 2003
     “Colin Powell was beside himself. ‘W, Rummy and Cheney all want me to make the case for going to war with Iraq,’ he said. ‘But I’m just not sure.’ I could have told him what he wanted to hear, that Saddam had weapons of mass destruction and palled around with Osama bin Laden but it just wasn’t true and if there’s one thing a world class news anchor traffics in it’s the truth. So I gave him the straight goods based on my NBC News intelligence gathering. In the end, of course, he didn’t take my advice but, to this day, he often reminds me that it was the biggest mistake he ever made.”
February 6, 2007
     “Barack called me in a panic and said he didn’t know whether he should throw his hat into the ring. After I calmed him down, I said ‘Barry, look, I can see you’re nervous about taking on Hillary but I know for a fact that she’s vulnerable and can be beaten.’ He was ecstatic to get my advice and begged me to join his campaign team but, of course, I couldn’t. I already had the most important job in America and a responsibility to bring the news and YouTube videos to those over sixty.”
March 17, 2008
     “Everyone was throwing stones at Hillary and casting doubts on her recollection of her and Chelsea coming under sniper fire in a war zone in Bosnia in 1996. I called her up and commiserated and we compared notes about getting shot at. I told her to hang tough. ‘Memory is a funny thing,’ I said. ‘Sometimes what you remember actually happened and sometimes it didn’t but if it feels right to you, stick with your story.’”
February 1, 2015
     “Pete Carroll and I had been friends for years even going back to his days as coach of the New England Patriots. He struggled quite a bit back then so when he ultimately got the Seattle head coaching position, I vowed to help him out. Every week I passed along a dozen surefire offensive plays for the upcoming game and Pete couldn’t thank me enough. But then when he won the Super Bowl in 2014, he seemed to get a bit of a swelled head and started to ignore some of my advice. Sadly, he chose not to heed my single admonition for Super Bowl Sunday to never, ever throw an inside slant pass at the goal line. To his credit, he did call me after and apologize but sadly I don’t think our friendship will ever be the same.”